


What lies Beneath

by Freakyfeline



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: M/M, mention of rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-02-07 04:44:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12833553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freakyfeline/pseuds/Freakyfeline
Summary: It has been two years since he fulfilled his childhood dream and married his idol, the Russian figure skater legend Viktor Nikiforov. For a time it seemed like a dream come true, however Yuuri felt that there was something missing in their relationship, he knew very little about his husband. But it only took one letter by chance for Yuuri to discover; his shame, his existence





	1. Transition

Saint Petersburg was being covered in a perfect blanket of snow. The buildings in the far distance were blurred in the background, and the ivory snow descended idly as it gently covered everywhere it landed. 

From where he was standing he could observe the onion domes protruded solemnly above the rest, accentuating the landscape by the typical orthodox influence on Russian architecture. 

I should not venture too much outside when it is probably below seven degrees Celsius , Yuuri idly thought as he hugged himself through the fabric of the trench coat he was wearing. 

But he needed to step out to the balcony in order to take a breather from the suffocating tension that enveloped their apartment. That feeling embodied a kind of heaviness and a bitter realization that even the best marriages carry their own challenges. 

Yuuri’s body involuntarily shivered at the thought and because he was starting to feel the chill biting through his clothes. He was still not used to Russian’s winters and staying out for too long turned the tip of his nose icy and red and so did his ears. 

He huffed warm breath into his numbing hands and rubbed them together, knowing that it was time for him to get back inside although he was reluctant in doing so;  
And he didn’t know why. 

Finally he gave in and stepped through the glassed door and into the kitchen area. He headed to the bedroom and shed his coat onto a hanger. Since they had a heater inside, there was sufficient warmth ventilating in their apartment. 

A warm hot chocolate sounded like a perfect idea to ease the cold, maybe I should make one for Viktor too, he thought to himself as he cross the empty kitchen once again. He knew that a small gesture like that was good remedies to ease any tension between Viktor and himself since it had worked in the past. Yuuri walked over to the counter and started filling the kettle with water and switched it on. 

While he waited for the water to boil, he prepared two mugs and filled them with a teaspoon of drinking hot chocolate. With a soft thud, the kettle was ready so Yuuri lifted it and filled the mugs with hot water when a sudden realization came to him; and it was a bitter and sharp like a slap in the face. 

His hand was shaking so badly that he had to put the kettle down. His body started to feel as though it was going to become wrecked with a sobbing fit. His wedding ring reflected dully against the light bulb as he placed his hand over his mouth and tried to prevent the whimpering that were escaping from his mouth. 

It wasn’t until he noticed the droplets falling on the counter that he realized that he was crying. He sniffed and ran his hand through his hair as he pulled back a chair and sat down, mulling over the memory; 

Viktor putting on his trench coat and walking out of the door, the sound echoing dully as Yuuri was left alone in the apartment. 

Hot and thick tears blurred his vision so he removed his glasses and dried his eyes with the back of his sleeve. He discarded the glasses on the table and buried his face in the gap between his arms. The most painful realization for him was the fact that Viktor continued to distance himself in order to process through everything that has happened, while leaving Yuuri feeling powerless to help him. 

Only now he could understand that his husband better, but it also made him realize that he was a fool to believe that he knew Viktor better than anyone else in the world, and that was a bitter pill to swallow. He thought about their marriage and how beautiful it was, but now he’s forced to realize that it was more flawed than it appeared to be. 

Yuuri wondered to himself how really involved he was in this relationship, when Viktor failed to speak about such important matters to him. Perhaps it was selfish because he knew it was difficult subject to talk about but Viktor decided to keep him in the dark. He couldn’t even open up to him little by little as Yuuri did and so it was painful to know that this level of trust was not returned. 

He thought that he knew Viktor more than anyone in the world; his odd habits, his insecurities, the freckles on his body and Yuuri worshipped every little thing about him but somewhere deep in his heart, that adoration still had a hold on him. 

He is that young boy who grew up admiring Viktor from afar and he dreamed that someday he would compete equally on the same ice with the Russian legend. It was the very thing that drove his passion for skating forward, and again it was Viktor himself who had pushed him forward when he thought that he lost his place in the skating world. 

Those thoughts brought him strength, but now he could no longer look back at those feelings and memories without feeling confused, and he hated it. He felt guilty for feeling at loss when he thought of his husband. 

He still wants to work things out with Viktor, he didn’t want to lose all the incredible things that they shared together. Viktor just needs to think things through and he’ll come back and then we can make things right again. 

Absent-mindedly, he lifted his head and his glimmering brown eyes darted towards the door as though he expected the doorbell to ring any time soon. His stomach twisted terribly and so he shut his eyes and tried to keep his anxiety in check.

Yuuri felt something wet and cool tingling on the back of his hand so he opened his eyes again and found that Makkachin was there. The dog lifted his eyebrows and looked at his human caretaker with doe eyes. 

He chuckled and petted the dog’s head, feeling strangely uplifted when he remembered that Viktor had left Makkachin in his care. It occurred to him that not everything was lost because there was still time for them work things out. They were still in a moment of transition.


	2. Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor and Yuuri separated over an argument that they had. This chapter will explain how it all started.

// Note: This chapter happens before Yuuri and Viktor's separation in chapter 1, and it's in Yuuri's POV  
   
//Also I would thank Inlovewithyaoi for her help with editing. She's my lifesaver.  


We were still sleeping even though the sun was already glowing warmly over the wet streets, the glistening metal frame of the cars and the damp window panes. The curtains were not entirely closed so the pale light filtered into the room. Outside the people bustled as they went about the day, but inside the apartment it was still and quiet. We were peacefully sleeping and were cosily bundled up in each other’s arms under the bed sheets.  I was the first one to wake up; but I kept my eyes closed. I wanted to stay in bed for a little while longer but the sun’s light triggered my wakefulness, so I could no longer keep lazing in bed. My sight was blurry and I needed my glasses so I stretched my hand out towards the night table in search for them. When I found my glasses, I picked them up and adjusted them over the bridge of my nose. Viktor shifted to his other side, but he was still asleep. There was no need for me to look in order to feel his presence there, sleeping beside me. My attention turned to Viktor, and I smiled affectionately as I watched his sleeping face.

I often wonder how I married my idol Viktor Nikiforov.  Even to this day, I am amazed that my dreams became true. I felt that we were a world apart from each other. Viktor, who’s charismatic, talented, confident and always at the centre of attention, while I’m introverted and struggled with my self-esteem.  If it wasn’t for Viktor, I am sure that I would have never managed to come this far. If my husband had never come to Hasetsu that day, I might have given up on my skating career. These thoughts brought me gloom, so I decided to direct my attention to the sleeping man beside me. I leaned my head over my husband’s chest, lulled by the sound of Viktor’s soft heartbeat. Viktor stirred and noticed that I was resting on him, he greeted me with a soft smile on the corner of his lips.  His aquamarine eyes were warm and comforting, despite his eyelids were still heavy with drowsiness. I felt so happy just watching him.

“Good morning” Viktor greeted softly and gently started stroking my hair.

“You too” I replied with a half yawn and smiled back at him.

I noticed that Viktor’s fringe was curled up and with my finger I smoothed out some silvery bands that took a gravity pull of their own. In response Viktor pressed his lips along my jaw, reluctantly asking me what time it was. I groaned in response and temporarily shifted to check the time on my mobile. It was seven thirty in the morning but it would take us several more minutes before getting up. I planted soft kisses on my husband’s lips while Viktor caressed my back. We were so encircled in our domestic bliss that we were both reluctant to leave the bed and start our day. 

Unfortunately, both of us have busy lives and we did not have the luxury to stay in bed as late as we pleased.  Viktor retired from figure skating and chose to coach me and other students as well. I was twenty-seven and I was determined to continue my career as long as I can. However I felt a little bit guilty that yet again Viktor has stopped his competitive skating career and is helping me with my own. So I promised myself  once again that I will do my best to make my husband proud of me.  
“We really need to get up now” I muttered reluctantly as I nuzzled my face in my husband’s neck.

“Yep, how about I carry you there?” Viktor suggested with a bold grin, but he did not give me time to protest, because he quickly lifted me up in his arms and carried me to the bathroom.  

That morning it was Viktor’s turn to cook breakfast, so he started making scrambled eggs and sausages. A little moment later I joined him and greeted him with a kiss, then I started up the kettle to make coffee. 

“Can you get the mail please?” Viktor asked as cracked the eggs against the surface of the table and poured the yolk into the hot pan.

“Okay” I responded while I prepared the mugs. I left the bedroom to get a hoodie and then went downstairs.

Next to the main entrance of the building there were several boxes, each holding the residents surname. Pushing my glasses with my forefinger, I scanned for our box until I spotted for Katsuki-Nikiforov. I opened it with a key and pulled the letters from within. I took them, closed the mail box and headed up the stairs. I was still in a sleepy haze as I flipped through the letters. Aside for occasional cards from my friends and family, I wasn’t expecting any letters, but I would still check anyway. I suddenly stopped when one card caught my attention, a letter that was for Viktor. He looked at the address and then saw the sender named Olga Nikiforov.  

It was as though I received a hard slap in the face. I stopped in my tracks, halfway through the staircase when a neighbour greeted me as she passed me by. She eyed me annoyedly when I didn’t greet her back. But I wasn’t ignoring her, I was momentarily lost in my own thought as I absorbed the information. Up until now I thought that Viktor was an orphan, so it seemed rather strange that he would receive a letter from someone with the same surname. There were so many things that did not add up and I had many questions as well, but then slow dreadful panic started washing over me, and the most unsettling thought was that Viktor was keeping a secret from me. A secret that he was intending to keep despite that we were married.  I shook my head and then pressed the palm of my hand over my forehead, feeling a cold dread in my chest. That thought was too terrible to fathom and the only way to make sense of it was to try to understand it. After all Viktor might have had a good reason to hide it. Maybe he is not that close to his family, or perhaps his family would not accept that their son is married to another man. I could understand that even though we were married, we would still have some secrets to some extent, and yet I was not satisfied because what Viktor was keeping from me was no small secret.  

I felt betrayed, because I let Viktor into my life with honesty and transparency, and I expected him to do the same. I had shown him my strengths and my vulnerabilities, and most of all, my family accepted Viktor as part of it, so why Viktor couldn’t do the same? Part of me felt terribly sad, but on the other hand I knew I shouldn’t get ahead of myself and jump into hasty conclusions. I knew that I needed to talk to him about it, but I had no idea how I was going to do that. I tried to weigh my options and argue that maybe Viktor was trying to find the right moment to tell me, after all he wouldn’t hide something this important, would he?  

I walked up to the stairs and back into apartment. My head started to throb and I was feeling anxious. An unsettling sensation was upsetting my stomach, and suddenly I wasn’t feeling up to eating reakfast anymore.

“Breakfast is ready” Viktor announced as soon as he heard me walking in.

My mood was ruined and all that I really wanted to do was to get back into the bedroom and hide under the sheets. Unfortunately I knew I couldn’t do that because Viktor would immediately suspect that something was wrong, so instead I mustered a smile.

“Okay, I’m going to the bathroom and I’ll soon join you in a minute” I said throwing the letters on the small coffee table that is next to the couch and disappeared into the other room.  

Once I closed the door, an overwhelming feeling washed over me. Frustration was one, but I also felt very sad. I placed my hands over my face and wanted to vent by crying, but no tears came to my eyes. I washed my face with cool water and I started taking deep breaths in order to control my anxiety.  

I reasoned that maybe I was reading too much into the situation, and it may be simpler and more innocent  than I thought it was, and I was just blowing things out of proportion. In my heart I hoped that it was true. Due to the anxiety, there was a nameless dread hanging in the back of my mind without knowing what it was or why it was there. Even though I believed that there was nothing to fear and I should trust in my own husband.  

It was going to be hard to just mute out my anxiety completely, but I felt a little better knowing that Viktor proved himself to be reliable and trustworthy throughout the years and so I should trust him. I got out of the bathroom and headed to the kitchen where I found my husband setting the table.  

Viktor was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me and I shouldn’t doubt him. 

With that thought in mind, I cheered up a little and sat down and started eating.

***  
It has been set on my mind all throughout practice. No matter how much I tried not to think about it, the worst it got. The reminder of the letter had stubbornly clung onto my memory and it came into flashbacks only to sting me with that bitter feeling every time I was distracted from my troubled mind. I had planned to wait a few days, but I was growing so anxious that I realized that I may not be able to wait for that long.

It was late afternoon when we finished their training and returned home. As soon as we entered our apartment, I plopped on the sofa and took off my shoes and socks, revealing heavily battered feet. The fleshy part under big toe was calloused and there were bruises and cuts on several places. Sometimes it was painful even to touch my feet since they felt so raw, but I needed to apply a cream to sooth the bruises

“Let me help” Viktor offered as he took the tube and knelt down before me to apply the cream to my feet.  

My cheeks turned into a deep red hue. Despite that we have been living together for two years, I get  embarrassed in little moments like these. As a popular man as Viktor was, he felt no shame in displaying a kind of ardour and modesty which makes me happy, but deep inside there was always a deep sinking feeling that I don’t deserve this. Viktor poured some of the cream into the palm of his hand and then started massaging the top my feet and then going under. Occasionally I would jerk my feet backwards when my husband touches a sensitive spot.

“You really don’t have to do this! I can do it, you know?!” I commented anxiously.

“Nonsense, I don’t mind at all” Viktor responded in a casual tone. He didn’t seem to be bothered by the gesture as much as I was.

“By the way, Yuuri, are you okay? I’ve been meaning to ask you since this morning, you look like you have something on your mind” Viktor responded as he massaged carefully over the calloused toe.

I held my breath. I should have known that my husband would notice that there is something going on with the way I behaved. Now was the chance to address the elephant in the room, but I did not feel brave enough to ask him about it. It was so easy to say “I’m fine” it was the easiest way out to stay safe by saying that lie.

Viktor shifted to the other foot, pondering in his own thoughts, and it made me feel guilty and wondered what Viktor was thinking at that moment; if he doubted about being trusted. At that thought, I felt an ache in my chest, because I thought of my own concerns about trusting him, ever since I saw that letter with that woman’s name.  There was a nauseated feeling rising in the pit of my stomach and which was added to the tense feeling of anxiety. All my life I hated confrontation and preferred other ways to overcome a situation, but right now I could see how it was a weakness in my character. I was just unable to bring myself to ask him directly about it, but I didn’t want to lie about it either.  
Sensing the hesitation in my long pause, Viktor decided that he would not press further about it, so instead he changed the topic.

“By the way, what are you going to cook for dinner?” he asked.

I felt immensely relieved by that trivial question. “I…I think I am going to cook Katsudon” I said, finding my throat to be dry and cracking.

“Oh I shall look forward to that” Viktor responded.  After he finished applying the cream, he straightened his back and looked up at me.

“I am still not as good as my mom. I don’t know what I am doing wrong, because I copied her recipe exactly as she wrote it” I sighed softly.

“I think your pork cutlet bowl is delicious even if it doesn’t taste exactly like your mom’s” Viktor chimed, then his lips curled into a grin “Besides your mother’s culinary skill, there is another delicious Katsudon that she has made”  

I blushed furiously, then I  groaned loudly and rolled my eyes at the incredible embarrassing flirty line, but Viktor was not offended and he laughed at my reaction.  
“I’ll start preparing” I announced as I put on my socks. With a kiss on my husband’s cheek, I left to the kitchen. 

I was busy cooking, while Viktor went to do the laundry and fix the food for Makkachin. In this very ordinary moment, I forgot all about the letter and I felt that our domestic days have turned to normal; at least for a short while.

***  
Thanks for reading, please let me know what you think!


	3. No surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri feels tormented by questions and confusing, ever since saw the letter. In the end he made a decision that he wanted to know the truth, but the truth will come at a price.

// Song inspired by the song [Westworld Ost; No surprises](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sB2CcWDa80o) . This chapter is in Yuuri’s Pov. 

// Thanks again to Inlovewith yaoi for her contribution 

*** 

_There were no surprises anymore,_

_Or at least that’s what I thought_ . 

It is strange to wake up and turn my head to find my husband lying on the bed next to me and it seems like any other day, but then I caress my thumb over his soft cheek and feel a small sadness creeping over me. The peachy naked skins of our bodies were hidden under the white sheets, and we were wrapped with a certain serenity and intimacy, and I asked myself if I could want any more than this? But then I remember that thumbing ache in my chest when I start to remember that no matter how close we are to each other, we can never really know what’s in our hearts.

I placed the palms of my hands to cover my face and hide away my shame, because I can’t believe that I let us share each other’s bodies once again, and so treacherously, he allowed me to be inside of him, like a man who trusts his husband. I knew I should try to keep myself at a distance for now until my confusion has been cleared, but I am pathetic because I can’t keep to my own promises. The more I try to make sense of my situation, the more I’m thrown into a deeper confusion. Even after all these years, it suddenly feels like we are distant islands which float in the open sea. It hurts knowing that there is a part of his world that I don’t know and I hate the fact that the letter and these baseless assumptions that I am making were enough for my trust to start fall apart, because then I wonder if the foundations of our relationship was as solid as I thought it was.  


My temples started aching, and a pressure started pressing heavily onto my scalp. I knew then, I need to stop overthinking and just move from these spurring thoughts. I peeled of the corner of the bed sheet that covered my legs and I sat up and threw a t-shirt on enough to decently cover my body and I went to wash my face, then I headed to the kitchen but I came to a halt when Makkachin was standing on his hind legs leaning over me, greeting me with a sloppy kiss on my cheek. I lost my balance and fell on my butt, as he continued licking my face. 

“That tickles Makkachin” I laughed and pet his head. 

As I started my day, it was like any other and I was pretty accustomed to the domestic routine and the life here in St Petersburg. I thought that after spending five years in college in Detroit was enough experience for me to be used to live in a different country away from home, but it wasn’t. Russia has its own unique rules, traditions and peculiarities that are very different from Detroit or anywhere else in the world.  
We had breakfast and then as usual we took the train to the ice skating complex. Guilt weighed me down like an iron lead during practice, because I still couldn’t bring myself to ask Viktor about the letter and therefore I was stuck in a cycle of anxiety and uncertainty. Worst of all that Viktor didn’t seem to notice my anguish, or perhaps he is pretending that he’s not seeing it. I leaned my back against the ice rink and took a sip of the bottle of water while Mila and Yurio were there talking but I didn’t pay any attention to what they said. I really couldn’t bring myself to small talk and the more I wanted to just go over there and talk to him, the more I feel the anguish of anxiety stinging me with its needles.  


“Man, the look on your face in that photograph” she chuckles in a breathy staccato manner. 

“Shut up you, old hag!” Yurio countered, baring his teeth at her. She laughed harder. 

“Oh, come on, we all had our bad photo shoots in competitions, don’t you agree…” she turned to me but I just stood up and left them.

I felt sick to the stomach and there was a dreadful feeling coming over me and I felt terrible things would happen if I don’t control it. I went to the bathroom and washed my face with cold water, then I remembered the things I needed to do when I felt this way. I can see my reflection in the mirror, I feel the sink’s smooth and cold porcelain under my touch, I can hear distant voices from the other side of the door, I can smell the sterile scent of the cleanser lingering in the air, and I can taste the sweetness of the apple I ate for lunch. I started feeling a little bit better and my mind wandered back to the time I was a college student. I remembered how I was still trying to learn how to cope with my anxieties and my panic attacks, and how Phichit would research all about them so that he could support me. But Phichit wasn’t here, and I couldn’t exactly ask Viktor because he’s the reason why I am feeling like this. I realized that for the first time in a long time I felt lonely since I could not rely on the man whom I am closest to. It was a suffocating thought. 

I returned to the ice rink and I was immediately greeted by Viktor who asked me if I was okay, and my heart went up to my throat and I froze because I was not able to say anything. Then I said the perfect lie

“I’m fine, don’t worry, I am just a bit tired” 

And the worst of all was that Viktor seemed to buy my lie. He knows me, he knows when I am lying so why was he bluntly pretending that he’s not taking any notice? This thought brought once again dreadful feelings of anxiety and I shivered when he puts a hand on my shoulder and tells me to get ready so that we can continue with practice. I walked to the bench and sat down to take my blade guards off, feeling overwhelmed and numb at the same time. I miserably wondered to myself whether Viktor had seen the letter and whether he must have realized something was off by now with the way I behaved. It hurts so much to know that all seemed so obvious and yet so confusing at the same time. After all he must have seen the letter, so why he hasn’t said anything yet? Was he really trying so hard to hide something from me? I shook my head and tried to keep my thoughts at bay because I was going to drive myself crazy if I keep trying to overthink about all of these things.

Luckily practice kept my thoughts at bay, because I was busy concentrating on my routine. On Thursdays, Viktor would stay longer for practice because he was also training another student, so he stayed behind. I was looking forward to go home because all I wanted was to shower and sleep. Perhaps I would finally be able to rest a little from the physical and mental exhaustion that I felt. Fate however, seemed to have other things in store for me, because as I climbed up to the second landing to our apartment I saw a woman standing there, waiting in front of our door. The woman’s hair was silver bound low with a rubber band and her ponytail was spilled over her right shoulder. She was wearing an elegant suit and a knee length skirt. The features of her face were petite, but she had sharp aquamarine eyes and thin high eyebrows over her brows, which gave her a very sophisticated appearance.

“Hi, how can I help you?” I paid with cracking voice. 

“Hi, is this the Nikiforov residence?” she said, turning towards me with a small smile on her lips. 

“Uh…yea” I replied weakly, I felt a violent shiver all through my body. 

“So is Viktor here?” she questioned raising an eyebrow. 

“Uhm…no…he’s not…” I knew that I should be doing something, like inviting her in the house or something similar, but my tongue grew heavy and useless in my mouth, I could not utter a word. 

“Okay, tell him that I’ve come, I am not waiting forever for him to answer” the woman said and then she passed me by and descended the stairs. 

I spent several minutes looking at the stairs, even long after she stepped down and disappeared out of the apartment building. 

***

I should have felt more upset, but I felt strangely calmer after that meeting. Even though she did not introduce herself, I was pretty sure, I knew who she was and that it must be because of the letter. She didn’t seem like a nice person, a bit snobby and cold, perhaps that’s the reason why Viktor never said anything about her. I try to console myself with that thought as I took a nap while waiting for Viktor to come home. 

That evening I made my decision and I wasn’t turning back, I felt oddly renewed with a determination which I didn’t have ever since yesterday. We sat down at the table as usual, eating Borscht (it was one of those days, in which we helped ourselves with a little bit of a traditional Russian recipe). I paused, putting my spoon down. 

“A woman came by today” I said in a casual manner and looked at him trying to see any reaction from him.

“Hmm, yes? What did she want?” he asked, looking down at his plate while sipping the soup. I grasped my spoon tightly, irritated. 

“She wanted to see you” I replied, my shoulders tensed. Viktor stopped eating and placed his spoon over the plate. I knew what it meant, he’s thinking. 

“What did you tell her?” he said and resumed eating. 

I couldn’t take it anymore and stood up in rage, I slapped my hands over the surface of the table “She told me to tell you that she came by and she didn’t want to wait for you to answer her. She probably meant the letter. The letter you haven’t bothered to mention” I responded spitefully.

I felt terrible as soon as my words came out of my mouth, because Viktor looked up at me and he looked visibly hurt. I bit my lower lip indignant of my own actions, because I was the one who’s supposed to feel hurt. I was the one being kept in the dark, so why I am feeling as though I’m the one who’s being selfish? 

“ I’m sorry, Yuuri” he said his voice broken, his chin moved spastically and then he stood up and left to the bedroom, closing the door behind him. I felt so devastated, I didn’t know what I was going to do with myself. A terrible fear was washing over me. A soft chilling fear telling me that I might lose him and I didn’t want for that to happen. I wanted to forget about everything. I wanted to forgive him for keeping a secret from me. I walked to the door and knocked. 

“Viktor?” I said hesitantly . There was no reply, but a few seconds later the door opened and he emerged wrapping his arms around me. 

“I’m sorry! I’m not angry at you. I’m angry at myself” he said, burying his nose into my hair, I felt comforted. 

“It’s okay, Viktor” I said, hugging him back. For now, that was all I really wanted, to be connected with him once again. 

“Okay” I replied. There were still many things that I wanted to know, but that was okay. I know I should be more patient and wait for him to tell me about it. Maybe he wasn’t prepared for it yet. 

***

A few days had passed and I felt a lot calmer than I had been at the beginning of the week. I’ve noticed between Viktor’s brilliant smile and charming gestures there were cracks. Cracks that I did not yet understand and did not know what they were. However, with some strange twist of events I did something unthinkable. I sent a letter to that woman. 

I felt incredibly guilty, but I felt the need to see her again. I needed to talk to her and get some answers, because my anxiety and my turmoil were killing me. Every day I would offer to go downstairs and pick up the mail, for fear that Viktor might find out. Eventually she answered to my letter and told me to meet her at a cafeteria which was well known in the neighbourhood. 

I couldn’t believe that I was doing something like this. I thought that I should just give up and return home, but then I remembered what happened between us and I felt that I cannot turn back. I walked in the cafeteria and I saw her sitting a table and sipping coffee on her own. My heart was beating so hard against my chest it almost felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I placed my palm over my chest and took a deep breath and then I walked over to her.  
“Hello” I said greeting with a smile and timidly took my seat on the opposite side. 

“It is quite curious that you’re the one who’s answering to my letters instead of him” she said in a very frank manner as she supported her chin over her fingers.

“You…you sent a letter to Viktor, to my husband, but I don’t know who you are” I said as I fidgeted with my fingers. 

“Of course I shouldn’t be too surprised that he didn’t say anything about us” she said, pressing her lips thinly. It was the same gesture that Viktor does when he is irritated.

“Why? Why didn’t he say anything?” I said, feeling quite hurt by the fact that my fears have been confirmed.

“We’re the one who are supposed to be ashamed of him, not the other way around” she responded bitterly. I looked at her confused because I could not understand what she meant.  
“You’re Olga? You’re a relative, right?” I asked tentatively.

“Yes, that is correct. I’m his sister” She answered curtly as she picked the cup of coffee and took her time to sip from it.  
“Why you’re supposed to be ashamed of him?” I inquired. 

“You shouldn’t be prying too much, my dear. I am not too sure if I should be the one to tell you” Olga responded as she set the cup down.  
“Tell me what?” I blurted out, paralyzed with dread and confusion. 

She realized that she was talking too much. She stopped and remained silent 

“Please tell me, what is it, I realized that I know in fact little about this man I’ve been married to for two years” I pleaded, tears started gathering at the corner my eyes. Olga looked away, her lips still pressing hard against each other.  
“Your beloved Viktor is a stain. His birth was a shame and it made my mother and our family suffer because of it” she spat out, looking at me in anger “He’s born of an assault to my mother. You have no idea what we’ve been through. How many nights my mother would cry herself to sleep when she carried him in her womb!” she added, her eyes blurred with tears. 

I was so awestruck. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I felt like a physical hard slap across my face and I wanted to rebuke her words. I stood up, my hands were trembling so violently I nearly knocked over the salt shaker.  
“It can’t be, it can’t be true” I muttered aghast, but I knew deep in my heart that she had no reason to lie in these circumstances, and it all made sense to me. I finally was able to understand why he was never eager about his birthday and why he never told me anything about his family. 

The waiter came to take our order but I told him that I was feeling sick and I was leaving. She stood up as well and she looked as though she wanted to say something but I didn’t give her a chance, I exited the cafeteria, my head throbbed and my heart ached. 

***


	4. Full Circle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will explain why Viktor left and Yuuri was living alone in chapter 1.

// Author’s note; The rivers and the stations that are mentioned in this chapter are real. I’ve never visited St Petersburg but I tried to be as accurate as possible through my research. If I made any inaccuracies or you would like to advise me, you can do so by sending me a comment. Just please be gentle with me, I am really trying my best ;; 

// Thanks again to InLoveWithYOI for her patience, contribution and support. 

I saw him in the centre of the ice rink; only sixteen years old and he already had captured the attention of the skating world. He was beautiful and ethereal as he skated on the ice, no one else could dance with such beauty and elegance as he did. He moved with the music’s rhythm as though it was part of him, and yet his jumping elements made the audience hold their breath when they watched him perform. I remembered the silver haired pony tail swinging with every movement, and his blue feathery costume shimmering under the stadium’s light.

I could not help but feel wonder by a man who seemed so out of this world. I’ve watched him and followed him ardently. He was my role model and I was satisfied enough to just watch him from afar, since I knew I would never be able to be in par with him. I dreamed that someday I might compete on the same ice with him but I felt that my skating was inadequate. After all, he was a youth who succeeded all expectations when he won the junior’s championship and started to become the living legend we know now. I never forgot that day when he wore a blue crown of flowers over his head and his lips curled in a polite smile as he waved at the camera. I woke up from my dream and realized that tears were running down my cheeks. 

I felt a sense of loss and I was not quite sure why I felt that way but it had something to do with the fact that things are not always what they seem. I allowed myself to believe that Viktor would always be more than an ordinary man, even when I married him, and yet I learned that I was simply being disillusioned. I was wrong about him and I just didn’t know him at all. I stood up and realized that I fell asleep on the coach. I dried my tears with my sleeves but I only made it worse, since a long whine escaped my lips and my sight was blurred with tears again. I hiccupped for a few seconds and then I stopped. I never expected that such discovery would devastate me so much. I realized how hypocrite of me that I idolized him for so long but it blinded me from knowing him as a person; as a human being with his own history and his own pain. I always prided myself that I am not like any of his other fans. I thought that I really know him and that I love him as he is, not because he is a skating legend or because he’s attractive and charming. It turns out that I am not that different from them after all. I felt sick at myself. 

I woke up from the sofa and started massaging my temples because they felt throbbing and my head was pressing against my skull again. I rubbed my burning eyes from the tears that I shed and I sniffed a few times. Then I walked to the kitchen and tore of a piece of paper towel to blow my nose. There was no way that Viktor could see me like this, I really needed to pull myself together. I picked the kettle and filled it with water and then placed it on the hub again. I switched it on and prepared my cup and while I was waiting for the water to boil, I went to the bathroom. I did feel better after I washed my face with cold water and returned back to the kitchen. My thoughts drifted to Viktor and I remembered that he had some errands to run, then I checked on Makkachin who was sleeping on our bed. The apartment was quiet and I was alone free to do whatever I wanted but in reality, I felt bored. It was a Sunday afternoon and I neither had practice nor anything in particular to do, so I tried to think of how I could occupy myself. As I leaned against the kitchen’s counter I thought that perhaps I could drink this tea and go for a walk, maybe it would do me some good. My thoughts went back to what happened yesterday and my meeting with Olga. I felt terrible that I left so abruptly, and I thought to myself that perhaps I should send her a letter to apologize. It felt odd to send letters in this day and age, but it was the only way I knew how to contact her. 

Once the kettle boiled, I poured the hot water into the cup and finished preparing my tea. I flopped on the sofa and drank tea while scrolling through twitter, laughing at the pictures that Phichit uploaded of his shenanigans with his hamsters. Despite that most skaters are training in their respective countries, I could still find out what they are up to by the things they upload on twitter. Although I don’t contribute much since I don’t find anything particularly interesting or worthwhile for me to post or upload. It always seems that everyone else’s lives are much fuller and interesting than mine. 

By the time I finished my tea, Makkachin woke up and he pounced on the sofa for attention. I decided that I should take him with me for a walk, so I brought his collar and leash from the coat hanger. He must have realized that I am going to take him with me, because he complied when I put the collar around his neck. I left a message on the fridge to let Viktor know that Makkachin and I are away for a walk. As soon as I stepped out, Makkachin was pulling ahead as far as the leash could take him and he almost knocked me out of balance. 

We walked out of the apartment and took the bus to Chyornaya Rechka then we took the subway. I sat down near a window, and Makkachin sat quietly on the floor next to my legs. The train moved speedily from one station to another and then stopping to allow people coming in or going out. I watched outside the window without any interest and I was preoccupied with my own thoughts. Finally the mechanical voice announced my destination; Spasskaya. I sat up and Makkachin sensed my movement so he raised his head and glanced at me, then he quickly got up to his feet and ran headlong, pulling the leash. I squeezed through the crowd of people and got out of the train station. The streets of St Petersburg are so wide and spacious,I still found it as intimidating even after two years living here. Even though I am more used to it by now, I still feel a kind of wonder at the quantity of open space and land that Russia has. Even more so by the fact that St Petersburg resides on the tip of Russia’s borders and it’s only a small part of the whole country. 

I took the bus for a long road towards my destination. Then I got off to the closest stop and walked until I found myself near the embankment of the river Moyka. Over the years I enjoyed walking along the side of this river. It was not particularly special than any other, in any case there was the river Neva, which is more well-known and larger than this one. I found river Moyka by chance, when I once got lost and found myself near its banks. I remember looking at the murky water and feeling rather calm and at ease. I really don’t know why this river had such an effect on me. Makkachin was enjoying himself as well as he trotted beside me. I walked on the pedestrian side next to the waters. The scent of the air was fresh but it was also a little bit chilly for a sunny day like today. The water is not particularly clear, but it shimmers by the reflection of the light. From time to time the calm waters would ripple as an occasional boat passes by. I passed the bridge and continued moving along the river, but then I became once again hounded by yesterday’s memories. My serenity and contentment turned into sadness as I replayed in my head the meeting between Olga and I. I didn’t want to let it bother me because I came here to distract myself from those memories, so I tried to push my thoughts aside and focus on the here and now. 

I thought about Viktor, and how I’ve been avoiding him since this morning. Surely he must have realized that something was wrong. We reached to a point in which it was becoming increasingly difficult to pretend that everything was okay. I knew that I would expose myself the moment I tried to avoid him but I couldn’t help it. After what I’ve learned about him I can’t look at him face to face because I am sure that if I would easily give away. I am feeling so confused and at loss, many times I tried to understand how I felt about Viktor, but my thoughts and feelings are stilled muddled. I suddenly stopped, and Makkachin felt the pull of his leash so he stopped as well and looked at me curiously. I realized that despite I was trying to not think about that, the more I ended up doing the opposite. There was a suffocating feeling rising up in my throat and producing an irritating sensation. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. 

I couldn’t help but thinking about him. I pondered whether I should feel any different about Viktor since now I know his familial circumstances, but I felt guilty exploring these doubts that I have. I know I should love him no matter what, and I do, but it was something that really changed the whole aspect of our relationship. Moreover I felt a sense of loss and sadness and I have no idea why. I am angry at him, but now I understand his reasons for keeping it a secret. I am married to him and I don’t regret it. I still love him and I know he’ll be there when I get back home, so I really can’t figure out why I felt that I lost something. What did I lose?

No matter how hard I tried to think about it, the more elusive it became and so I tried to let it go. By the time I was pondering to myself, I realized that I arrived to another bridge along the Moyka river. I pulled the mobile to check the time and it was already getting late. I wanted to walk all the way to the edge of the river but I decided that it would be better to head home instead. Makkachin and I both had our fills for the day. I took the train back to the neighbourhood where we live. I still did not feel comfortable enough to venture too far away from home, and I was especially anxious to wonder alone when the sun was setting. St Petersburg still felt a little bit intimidating and alien to me, and I realized by now that it was going to take me some time to really get used to this place. It was strange, because when I lived in Detroit I felt more comfortable there. I really didn’t know why it was taking me so long to get used to living here. 

I got off the train and took the bus that would drive me to a stop closer to where we live. I felt somehow peaceful and I was glad that I made the decision to take my walk with Makkachin along the river. My steps quickened as I walked up to the third landing and then I opened the door, feeling warm as I was welcomed by the smell and the familiar atmosphere of our apartment. Even though I was finding it hard to adjust by living in Russia, I truly felt at home here with Viktor. That thought made me feel happy. I saw Viktor standing in front of the kitchen counter who probably was cooking dinner. I released Makkachin from his collar, then I went to wrap my arms around Viktor and kiss him on his cheek.  
“Hello, how was your day?” I said, realizing that it has been a while since I’ve been close to him like this. 

“Ah, hello” Viktor responded and smiled a mirthless smile. I felt disappointed and I knew that something was wrong. My heart started pounding really fast. 

“A-are you okay?” I asked attentively.

Viktor stopped what he was doing and then he turned towards me. Although he appeared to be sincere in his actions, he was a man who is very hard to read. He always masked his sorrow better than I ever did, but I knew that there was something wrong, I could feel it. Viktor parted his lips and he was about to say something but then he hesitated and looked at the floor. He seemed to struggle to find the words that he wanted to say to me, but then he tried again,

“Yuuri, you met my sister, did you?” he asked. 

It was really strange that he would address the issue so casually when for the past few days he’s been avoiding the subject. The situation started to feel odd and he started to feel alien to me, as though I don’t know this man who was standing in front of me.  
“Yes” I said, I did not want any more lies and secrets.

 

“What did she tell you?” he asked staring at the floor. 

I knew I was treading on dangerous water and had to be careful of what to say, but I know I love this man and I still love him regardless of the circumstances that he was born into.  
“Viktor” I said, my heart swelled with affection and love as I clenched by hands onto the front of his shirt. “I will always love you no matter what happened…” with my ardent confession I thought that he would see my sincerity and he would embrace me but instead he pushed me away. I felt as though he slapped me across my face. 

“How could you…h-how?” he moved away creating a gap between us and he hid his face between his hands and then with one motion he ran his fingers through his hair. I was in denial, I thought I had the chance to fix things to explain my reasons.  
“Viktor… I’m sorry…but..I…”

“Sorry? Is that all you have to say?? You talked to my sister behind my back and you think you can fix that with a sorry?” Viktor shook his arms in an exasperated manner. This was another side of Viktor I’ve never seen.  
I froze and dug my nails deep into my palms as I balled my hands into fists. I pressed my lips tightly and my body shook but I stood frozen on the spot. What could I say to counter his words? 

“You never said anything, you obviously hid it from me and I spent days on end anguished over it because I thought you didn’t…” I hiccupped and I bit my lip, trying hard not to cry. I really hoped that seeing me in this miserable state, he would feel pity for me and he would forget all about it so he would just hug me and says that everything was going to be alright. 

But I know that sort of thing only happens in movies. 

In fact Viktor did not move, but stayed right where he was, contemplating what to say next. 

“You could have come to talk to me, but you didn’t. If it was bothering you so badly than you should have talked to me. I am not a mind reader, Yuuri, I don’t know what’s going on in your head!” he responded.  
His words cut through me skin deep, because I knew that I have the habit of bottling up everything and he has been always patient with me. But it was also unfair, because no matter how close I am to him I never seem to be able to understand him.  
“You do the same thing…you never tell me anything…about yourself…” I staggered between sobs, my glasses were becoming misty. With my sleeves I dried my eyes from the hot tears. At that moment I was too busy being miserable to realize that Viktor stretched his arm out to touch my shoulders, but he decided against it. 

“I have dinner ready if you want to eat” he said flatly as he walked towards the bedroom.

“W-where are you going??” I said as I followed him. 

He looked up at me and gave me a sad smile “I need some time away” he said as he packed his suitcase and then he turned towards me “Please take care of Makkachin for me”, he walked out of the apartment and closed the door behind him.

I don’t know how long I’ve stood there, and devoid of all emotions I simply started at the door.


	5. Anagnorisis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath between Viktor and Yuuri's separation

Chapter 5; Anagnorisis

// Anagnorisis - the point in the plot at which the protagonist recognizes his or her or some other character's true identity or discovers the true nature of his or her own situation.

// Lyrics are taken from the song – Ephemeral flowers.

***

_I love you; I’ll miss all of you  
No matter what had happened then  
I won’t ever say goodbye_

***

In the days that followed after Viktor left, my life felt dull and meaningless. The smallest everyday tasks became a chore, but the hardest was to wake up, get up and go on with my life. I was lost to a deep sense of emptiness and hopelessness that it sucked all the life and energy that I had. It felt like I was dead and all of my emotions were mute except for sorrow. I’ve experienced this feeling before when I came in last at the Grand Prix final and it didn’t make it any less painful to go through it a second time. Right now I only wish for nothingness, so I can escape from this insufferable pain. I am trapped by my own sadness and I can’t find any relief, so sometimes it is better not to exist rather than to feel the pain. Life goes on, even if I am falling apart and everything around me has been crushed since he walked away. All I wanted was to stay in bed all day under the safety of the darkness and the warm covers, doing absolutely nothing but retreating from the rest of the world. However I knew I couldn’t do that, so I had to get up and move on but in a forced and mechanical way, devoid of any energy or will.

It was really hard for me to do anything, and even skating, seemed bleak and without purpose. The things that I love and cherish so much became just another thing I have to do for the day and I hated that feeling. Since the day in which Viktor moved out of the apartment, I was left in Yakov’s care. I don’t know when, but it seemed that they talked to each other, however I had no clue whether Viktor had disclosed some information about us or not. I hate to think that someone else was involved in our marital problems. Luckily enough, Yakov didn’t question me nor asked me about it and I hoped that it would stay like that. He merely oversees my training and my progress in my skating.

It was seven thirty, I knew I was pressed for time but I was still in bed and reluctant to get up. Everytime I tried to move, my limbs felt heavy like lead and I couldn’t move an inch of my body even though there was nothing physically wrong with me. Dark thoughts started lurking in my head and I knew that I shouldn’t succumb to them or else I would be more weighed down by the sorrow that I felt. What’s the point? said a little sharp voice inside my head, but I closed my head and tried to think of something else.

I was late to skating practice and I didn’t really feel guilty about it, nor bothered by the fact that Yakov is probably going to scold me for it. Everything lost its meaning and I was left with nothing more than numbness. I spend these few days shedding so many tears that I was unable to cry anymore, not even if I wanted to and it was frustrating. I was so pent up with sadness and misery and I can’t even vent them. Finally I started training and since this morning I noticed Yakov seemed as though he wanted to tell me something. I felt terror, the terror that Yakov would start asking me questions about Viktor’s absence and my current miserable state. Up until now Yakov did not show any interest in my personal issue, but my instincts told me that it won’t last. Confrontation was never my best suit and in these circumstances, I am not yet prepared to show him nor anyone else, what’s happening in my life. It was safer to keep it bottled up and pretend to be okay, right?, but I knew that I’m just a coward who’s afraid of facing his own fears. I removed the blade guards and glided off on the ice to start some warm up exercises. All I wanted to do was to go home and sleep but I knew I couldn’t do that so I took a deep breathe and moved on. After all I had to be strong and suck it up or else everything will break down. If I don’t keep holding on, I will fall apart.

The training session went rather smoothly as I remembered the program pretty well, but I skated in a very bleak and dispassionate way so I was quite surprised that I did fairly well, even in the jumps. It was a strange sensation because I felt as though my body moved on its own and my mind was someplace else. It was a similar experience I felt when I was so upset over Vicchan during my free program. When I had lunch, I tried to find a place where I can enjoy solitude so I went to sit on one of the benches in the auditorium and started eating quietly. However I was still hungry when I finished, so I went to a vending machine and against my better judgment I ended up eating too many snacks. It was a terrible habit of mine but it helped me feel a little bit better, even though it only works for a short while because then I end up feeling guilty for over indulging myself when I know I shouldn’t.

As I was about to return to practice when Yakov waved his hand in a way to signal me to go closer him and I did so but I was wary. Deep in my heart, I knew that it was a matter of time before I had to face the inevitable. Yakov took me to a place where there weren’t many people. The lines around his mouth deepened when he pressed his lips tightly together and his shoulders were very tense. I could tell that he was weighing his words in his mind before speaking, so it must be a serious matter. A matter that I didn’t want to face and I felt like a cornered animal, trying to survey my surrounding in order to make my escape.

“Son, are you okay?” he questioned, using the word ‘son’ as a fatherly manner to show his concern towards me.

“Yes, I’m okay” I replied quickly. Yakov growled softly, he knew that I am lying. 

“You are very distracted today and your skating is sloppy so I’m sure as hell that you’re not okay!” he spoke more gruffly than intended.

I was being pushed against the wall and I had no means of escaping it. So because of it I was filled with a sense of horror and dread by the thought of confronting Yakov and telling him the truth. My eyes travelled to the floor and silently wished that I would be engulfed by a hole that maybe it would suck me into an abyss, because it would be definitely better than experiencing this unbearable anxiety. I moved away and tried to create some distance between us, and tried to abate the suffocating sense of irritation due to the inevitability of that moment.

“It’s nothing really, I will be fine” I said meekly, avoiding looking him in the eye.

Even without the need of looking at him, I could feel Yakov was trying to restrain himself from getting angry at me despite his tendencies to be short-tempered. I knew that it was an outright lie considering all the circumstances, but I wasn’t prepared to face it yet. The mere fact that I have to verbally explain that we fought and then Viktor decided to leave, was too painful for me to say it just yet. I knew that I was still in denial about what happened and I am desperate to hide my own anxieties and my vulnerabilities so I mask them under the cover of normality. At that moment I hated Yakov, because he was forcing me to face the truth.

“Look, kid” Yakov’s stern look had softened into genuine concern “ I know it’s not my business to meddle with your married life, but I care for you and for Viktor” he explained.

His way of speaking and his words made me wonder about him and why he is being so pushy. Somewhere at the back of my mind I thought that maybe he thinks of us and his own sons, and in some way he is very much like a father figure to both us, and perhaps even more towards Viktor. I felt another pang in my chest because this was perhaps another part of Viktor that I never bothered to know; the fact that without a father, Viktor might look up to him as a guardian. Of course I don’t know that for sure, but it is just a hunch as I think things over. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.

“I know” I said almost in a hoarse whisper, still avoiding to look him in the eye. “It’s just...it’s hard...I don’t know...if this...if this…” my chin started moving spasmodically and I stopped myself because I was becoming overwhelmed with emotions.

Yakov sighed and placed his hand over my shoulder, so I looked up. For a moment, I caught a glimpse of a pained look in his eyes as though it reminded him of his own experiences.

“Can we continue practice, please, let’s continue…” I said almost pleadingly, at that moment even the most gruesome training was more welcomed than this.

Yakov was about to say something when a voice called out to him, and he turned his attention towards Mila.

“Can I speak with you?” she asked. 

I was so relieved that she interrupted us because the most horrible feeling was overtaking me and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Yakov turned and pointed with his large forefinger in Mila’s direction.

“Just a minute” he said swiftly and then he turned towards me and spoke in a hushed manner.

“Whatever had happened between you two, let me give you a piece of advice. If you really want your relationship to work, you have to do your part in it. Let me tell you that relationships require hard work. They don’t have a magic spell in which once you meet the right person, then everything will sail smoothly. Those things only happen in movies and books. I know you don’t want to lose each other if you want your relationship to succeed, you have to talk to each other and work out your differences, whatever it is” he muttered and with that he tapped me on the shoulder and left towards Mila.

He left me feeling somewhat angry and frustrated, but his words left an impact on me and I kept thinking about it even after I finished practice and went back home. Despite that I longed to go home the fact that it’s empty makes me feel sad. At least I had Makkachin with me, who’s a clever dog and he knew that there is something wrong and tries to cheer me up in his own ways. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t have been able to go on living the way I am doing, if it wasn’t for him. As usual when I returned home, I ate dinner, took a shower and just sit on the couch doing nothing. I had no motivation whatsoever, not even listening to music or scrolling on Instagram or Facebook. What Yakov had told me was still fresh in my mind and I thought about it over and over again. I pondered about it and then thought about whether I should act on that advice or not. In the end I made my decision, and hesitantly I picked up my phone. Three times I searched for his name and then cancelled, then twice calling and cutting off. My hands were trembling so badly, that the phone slipped from my hands and slid between the cushions of the coach. A shiver ran down my body and was held by a strange sense of fever and agitation as thought I was in a dangerous situation. Finally, I found my phone and called again, trying to restrain myself to cut the call again. The line beeped a few times and then I felt my heart haltering when I heard a crackle and then his voice at the other end of the line.

“ Hello?” he asked questioningly.

My throat went dry and I felt weak. It took me a few seconds as I tried desperately to force words out of my mouth.

“It’s me...Yuuri...I know you probably don’t want to see me but please, please hear me out. I want to talk to you, I don’t want us to end...like...this…” my voice cracked as I spoke. There were only a few seconds that passed by before he replied and it felt like an eternity.

“Alright, I’ll come there and we can talk” he responded, his voice sounded calm but very serious, and I could feel a hint of sadness in it too.

The fact that he accepted my invitation has flooded me with immense relief. The two of us planned to meet up in three days. He’ll come at six in the afternoon, here to our apartment and I offered to prepare some food so we could talk over dinner. We ended up our conversation with ‘take care’, and after I switched off the phone I just stared emptily as I tried to sort out my confusing emotions. Aside from feeling relieved, there was hope which was like an opened window, bringing in new fresh air after being closed for so long. At least now I know that there is a chance to deal with out problems and maybe our relationship can have another chance.

That night I felt a little less miserable than I did for the past few days, I let Makkachin sleep on the bed next to me because it felt less lonely with him around. Because of the sadness, I constantly suffered from a sense of draining and lethargy but now it was replaced by excitement and hope, so I went to bed feeling energetic rather than exhausted. I didn’t know what was going to happen when I meet him and despite that this is a step towards making things better, it did not necessarily mean that it will work. So I aIso felt very anxious and I loathed the idea of fighting again, the same way it had happened on the day he left.

I spent the night, waking up and falling asleep again, so by the time it was morning I felt exhausted. As I made breakfast I pondered if I would be able to go to training, but at the same time I didn’t want to make Yakov worry more than he already did. I tried to weigh the cons and pros a I made a toast and a cup of coffee. Finally I made the decision that would go and ask Yakov if I can leave early for the day, hoping that I would be tired enough to sleep when I get back home. 

***

My training was pretty uneventful, except that Mila or Yurio asked me about Viktor and I would feel the horror and fear rising in me like cold sharp ice. I would stick with the excuse that Viktor had taken some time off from training, but I knew from the confused look on their faces that they did not entirely believe my lie. Yurio as young as he is, does not understand that sometimes a person needs to read into the situation in it is not appropriate to ask too many questions. Therefore he would keep asking me and I would try to evade them by something trivial or trying to redirect his attention. I ended up feeling uncomfortable but fortunately, Mila understood what Yurio could not, so when the Russian youth was being too nosy, she could change the subject.  
I felt immensely guilty for deceiving them like this, but I felt shame at my own vulnerability and the fact that my relationship with Viktor is not as perfect and durable as perhaps other might believe. Many times I thought that I might eventually tell them that we had to be apart for a little while, but I wasn’t prepared to tell them yet. After I was still wading in hazy waters and I don’t know if we will be able to get together again. That thought made me feel incredibly sad and disheartened, but I tried my best not to let it get the better of me. The first days after the separation were bad enough as they were, I didn’t want to go through that again.

I told Yakov that I wanted to leave early and much to my reluctance, he asked me why. Yakov was the only person who suspected that there was some trouble between us, so I knew I couldn’t lie to him so I decided to tell him the truth without getting too much into detail about it. I told him that last night I couldn’t sleep so I felt exhausted. I could see that there was suspicion on his face because he knew that there was more than I was telling him, but much to my relief, he did not press further and let me go.  
Up until now I didn’t think about about Yakov except that he is a middle aged man who is also Viktor’s coach. I think of him as a man with short temper and generally grouchy (though I can’t exactly blame him because from the stories I’ve heard, Viktor used to give him a really hard time), but I also knew that he’s kind and caring in his own way. I knew all these things about him but I never taken them much into consideration up until now. I see now why all his students look up to him and seek him for any help they need. Now that I think about, he always regarded me as one of his own student when I moved to St Petersburg. That thought gave me a warm and pleasant feeling in my chest because I felt belonged there. In fact even the other skaters such as Mila, Georgi and Yurio welcomed me as one of them.

As soon as I got to the apartment, I took a shower and went immediately to sleep. Makkachin wasn’t so pleased about it because he whined and scratched on the door, but I was too exhausted to take him to a walk so I planned to do that later. An hour of sleep wasn’t enough but I had to limit myself since I didn’t want to mess up my sleeping schedule. I took Makkachin for a walk as I planned, and then I came back for dinner. There wasn’t much to do for the rest of the night so I tried to occupy myself by watching a movie. However, I was so on edge and anxious that I couldn’t concentrate. I wanted to find something that would make me feel comforted, but I couldn’t think of anything. Then a thought came to my mind which is very enticing but I knew I couldn’t go through with it.

I thought of calling Viktor and talk to him over the phone. The conversation didn’t need to be of any importance as long as I could hear his voice. Every fiber of my being willed me to dial up his number but the feeling of dread kept me in check. I was too afraid that it might ruin the only chance I had to make our relationship right again, and I didn’t want to risk it. Despite I felt anxious, I wasn’t sure why I felt that way. A soft sigh escaped my lips as I leaned my elbows over the arm of the coach and put up my feet on the cushions. It felt as though I was walking on eggshells, not sure how to act or what to do for fear that I might do something wrong, after all it was that behaviour that put me in the situation that I am in. I felt ashamed at myself for acting so selfish and talk to his sister without considering his feelings first. Then I had to open my big mouth and sprout foolish notions that I love him regardless of his birth, what do I know about love and relationships? I know very little, and only now I realized that I made the wrong decisions.

I was sure for one thing though, I miss him so terribly that it was almost painful, and I longed to spend the days with him like I used to. I really wished that things would get back to normal and we’d have our little moments together; watching him leaning over the bathroom sink when he shaves in the morning, walking over him and hugging his back when he makes breakfast, or waking up to find him sleeping there next to me and huddle closer for warmth. Before I realized it, eyes became blurred again.  
By the end of the day, I went to sleep without going through with what I had in mind. I just felt safer to be patient instead of being too rash, so I followed my intuition and decided to just stay put for now and hold out a little longer. As I slipped under the sheets, I felt so tense and wide awake that I was sure I wasn’t going to be able to sleep, so I closed my eyes and tried to remember the happy times I had with Viktor to calm myself down. I fell asleep but nervous about the meeting with Viktor on the next day.


	6. Flashover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Viktor goes to Switzerland and confides in his friend Christophe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // flashover; n. the moment a conversation becomes real and alive, which occurs when a spark of trust shorts out the delicate circuits you keep insulated under layers of irony, momentarily grounding the static emotional charge you’ve built up through decades of friction with the world.
> 
> // This is Viktor’s POV

After I left the apartment that day, I went to stay at a hotel and checked in for a few weeks. I didn’t want to let any media take any scoop about me or my current marital situation, so I needed to lay low for a while at a remote hotel in St Petersburg. I actually wanted to leave the city but I needed to wait for a while in order to take care of some business first, then I would take a flight and leave for Switzerland. 

I really wanted to have some time off for myself, and so I took the opportunity to make my trip as a vacation. At first I thought to just drop by to Chris’s house as a surprise, but then I thought it over and came to a conclusion that it might be a bit inconvenient if I do that, so I called him and let him know that I was coming. He’s used to my tendency to act on the spur of the moment, so he wasn’t particularly surprised when I notified him of my vacation plan, but then he asked about Yuuri and that made it a little difficult to talk about. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him over the phone so I told him that Yuuri was staying in St Petersburg, and that I would tell him the details when I am there. 

After I booked for the flight I started packing my things again which there weren’t a lot because I didn’t bring that much stuff with me. I estimated that I’d stay for at least a month, but it only took me two weeks, then I booked my flight and I was prepared to be on the go again. As I waited until the date, there wasn’t much to do in the meantime so I did some catching up with my reading and spent some time near the beach. I went there almost every day. It was an empty and solitary place at this time of the year. There was a serenity that I enjoyed, and quietness except for the seagulls and the waves washing against the shore. I was on the ground of a mixture of sand and snow, overlooking the horizon that divides the water and the sky. The air was chilling and it felt biting through my bones but there was no wind, so the water rippled but relatively tamed. The beach in winter had an air of solemnity and solitude that makes it a perfect place to reflect things over. It also brings a sense of peace in me, especially when I am going through the hardest of times. I sat there for a while until my stomach started growling so I left the beach and then I had breakfast at a café nearby. After that I would take a long walk to no particular direction as long as I can physically exert myself in order to satisfy the restlessness that I’ve been feeling. The days seemed to become slower and dragging and I was quickly finding myself avoiding many streets and places, which make me feel a little bit caged. 

On the day of the departure I left to the airport at around six in the morning, since the flight would leave at nine. However, I generally prefer getting to the airport at least two hours early, because of the transport and I can check in my flight and check in the luggage without any rush. I’ve done so every time I’ve been on a flight so I made it a habit. I finished doing the check in and then went to a shop to get a cup of coffee. Nothing much was happening then, except scrolling through my Facebook page and going through some pictures that I uploaded. As I skimmed through them I started feeling that irritating sensation in my stomach again. Moreover I was starting to feel morose so I decided that I’d walk around the airport. Although I did this many times, I always something find interesting and besides, the airport was huge and there was plenty to explore. 

Eight in the morning; and I boarded on the airport. I booked for a direct flight so it was going to take me three hours before I get to Zurich. During the voyage I tried to preoccupy myself by listening to music and occasionally reading in order to kill the time. Since I slept rather well during the night so I couldn’t nap even if I wanted to. I felt very relieved when I arrived in Zurich’s airport. I stretched and took a deep breath, relieved that I finally was able to move freely and breathe fresh air. I went to retrieve my baggage and then headed out of the airport to catch a taxi. The first thing that I noticed was that the air felt much warmer than in ST Petersburg, so I could do without the gloves and the scarf. I took a taxi and gave him directions to my hotel. Communication wasn’t difficult since I spoke French I could manage even if the driver didn’t speak English. When I got there, I checked in at the hotel and then I called Chris to let him know that I arrived. We planned to meet the next day so I had the rest of the day for myself. Since I didn’t exactly plan this trip ahead of time, I didn’t get to research before reaching my destination, so I asked the receptionist at the hotel to guide me and he gave me a map with places of interests. My morning was quite a pleasant one, during the breakfast I conversed with other tourists and even some locals, and then I went up to my apartment and started mapping out my days. I am not a particularly meticulous planner so I just ticked on the places I was interested in most and then I would decide on the spot. I took the opportunity to have a two hour walking city tour in the morning, but the rest was rather relaxing. 

When I woke up next thing in the morning, I felt refreshed and energetic. One of the reasons why I love traveling is because when I arrive in a new country I would be filled with anticipation by the broad possibilities of new discoveries. I went down for breakfast and had a short conversation with other hotel residents there, and then I went to meet with Christophe. It was only too late when I realized that I came all the way here to meet with him but I had no plan of how I am going to tell him what had happened in the last few weeks. I’ve been so eager to get away from Russia that I didn’t think it through. Christophe had practice this morning, so I had some time for myself, then he texted me and we met up in front of my hotel. 

“Hello, darling” Chris’s spoke in a sultry voice and his lips curled in a playful smirk and a hand on his hip.

“Hello Christophe, looking as sexy as ever” I responded with a wink. 

The Swiss laughed at my response and said “I see you haven’t lost your touch, have you?!” 

I smiled at him and then a short silence followed. He seems to perceive that I did not come all the way to Switzerland just on a whim, and that I had something to say to him but I couldn’t bring it up in a casual conversation. I could see it in the way he looked at me, he knows I had something on my mind ever since I called him. After all he must be wondering why I came here and left Yuuri all alone in St Petersburg. 

“Have you eaten by any chance? I know a good place we can go to for lunch” he said and I nodded in acknowledgment. 

So I followed him to a quaint cosy restaurant. The interior was decorated with a flower patterned wallpaper and oil cloth that covered the wooden furniture. Despite its antique décor, it had a modern counter with silver and black frame and glass that displayed some of the shop’s goods. It looked rather odd, as though this was a recent addition to the restaurant. We placed our orders before finding a place to sit. We found a table at the corner of the restaurant, between the wall and the windows that led to the outside. 

“How things are going in St Petersburg, now that you’re a full time coach?” he asked as he cocked his head to the side and rested his elbows over the clothed table. 

“I think I’m getting the hang of it. Certainly it is different to train for the competition than to prepare a student to it. It has its own challenges I suppose, but you know me, I love challenges” I added with a knowing smile “What about you? Are you prepared for the European championship?” 

“Yes, very much so and determined to do the best. I am twenty nine now and I can’t say that I have a lot of time left for me to compete” he responded with a soft sigh and shrugged his shoulders in a soulful manner. 

“You’re always the type who needs a motivation for you to get going, so it is good to see that you haven’t lost your flare” I responded, referring to the fact that Chris was especially driven when I was competing on the ice, but now that I left, I was glad to see that he is still ambitious as I remember him when we were young skaters. Chris chuckled at that comment and shook his head 

 

“You always know what to say” he remarked with a nostalgic look on his face. Then he seemed to remember about something, as he looked up suddenly and added “So how things are going with Yuuri? How is married life treating you?” 

And there was the bomb. It was inevitable that he would ask me a question about my husband and although I hoped that I would delay the subject, I knew that soon enough it was going to be brought up. There was a short silence. 

“He’s doing well. He has gained much of his confidence ever since I first met him. He’s managing rather well now with his anxiety although he tends to laps in a negative way of thinking, which really worries me sometimes” I responded. 

He looked at me as though he was expecting a different answer, but he seemed to be studying the situation “ Well he came a long way since then, all skaters do, after all we’re always trying to grow and do our best both on and off the ice” he added in a solemn manner. 

“Indeed and you know what? Ever since I retired I was afraid that I would become stagnant and that I would never be able to continue train and develop my skills as a professional figure skater, but it isn’t like that at all. I’m learning a lot from teaching and I must say, it is a good change and it did not dampen my love for skating either” I commented truthfully. 

Our conversation was interrupted when the waiter came by and served us the food that we ordered. Silence followed, and it makes me feel anxious and the need to fill it, even with empty chatter. 

“It is really warm here in Switzerland, winter feels rather gentle compared to home” I said with a chuckle. 

“Oh, well I can’t complain, but I prefer being at a beach in the Bahamas” Chris answered with a wink and I laughed at his comment, it was so typical of him. 

I picked up my sandwich and started to eat, somehow remembering the time when I went to the beach with Yuuri at the beginning of our relationship. It was in Hasetsu in summer and we were playing with a small beach ball with Makkachin, our feet soaked in a translucent and shimmering splashes of water and we baked under the steaming hot sun until our skins became warm and red. Back then I was hopelessly happy and in love. Life seemed perfect. Christophe was staring at coffee in deep thought and then he snapped out of it because he looked up at me with a kind of renewed determination. 

“Is everything okay with you and Yuuri?” he then asked. His question felt like a sharp dagger stabbing me right through my heart. Chris wasted no time to hit the core of the situation. I planned to say something about the time he and I went to Bahamas when we were younger, but I knew that I would be deceiving. 

“A lot of things had happened lately and sometimes I really wish I could go over these past few weeks and live them again. Perhaps, I shouldn’t have left, but I was so angry at that moment and then I went ahead and act recklessly. What if he hates me now? What if I lose him? I don’t want to lose him” as soon as I finished I realized that I was rambling on and most likely wasn’t making any sense, and yet Christophe just listened with patience. 

I threw my hands over my face, reluctant to slip into the feeling of despair, but there I was speaking nonsensically to my best friend. I yearned to say what I meant to say but the words refused to come from my mouth so they remained stuck there. I felt my throat itching so I took a glass of water and gulped it down. It was always difficult to find the right words in a situation like this. Christophe’s hands were clasped together but his thumb kept brushing over the side of his other hand in a nervous way. Sometimes he would lean over as though he is about to say something, but as soon he props his shoulder forward, he would immediately retreat. Finally he decided to cut off the uncomfortable silence that was settling between us like thick air.  
“You had a fight with Yuuri?” he asked gravely, knowing very well that it was an obvious question, but he probably felt it was the best way to ease into the subject. 

“Yes, a big one. As a matter of fact I left, I mean the apartment, as temporary” I interjected. 

“Did you talk to him since then?” he asked, still brushing his finger onto his other hand 

“No, I can’t face him” 

“There’s no shame in it you know. You should talk to him and try to work things out between the two of you. Every once in a while couples have fights that bring a challenge to their relationship. However, I know that you too are madly in love with each other. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you happier with anyone until you met Yuuri. Your hearts are true to each other.” 

His words brought me a sense of hope because it reminded me that my happiest three years of my life have been the ones I spent with Yuuri. I was so occupied in trying to push him away, that I forgotten how good I felt by being with him. I felt despicable at myself for being angry with him and did not try to understand his point of view. Only now I realized that he only wanted to know me better and I could understand why he was hurt by the fact that I was keeping him in the dark. I didn’t believe in him at all.  
“I know” I croaked and my hands clenched into fists, then I shrugged my shoulders and smiled at him. Like a dark cloud passed over the sun, my face brightened again.

 

“Thank you” I said with deep gratitude.


	7. End to beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Viktor returns to Russia and meets with Yuuri to talk about their relationship.

Strange how certain circumstances present themselves in the right opportunity. I spent three nights in a hotel in Zurich. I would meet with Christophe and he would tour me around the city and sometimes I would visit the rink when he’s practicing. Then one afternoon I received a call from Yuuri, asking me to meet up and talk. At first I sat tensely on the bed and my hand tightly clenched on the bed sheet, but after we finished our short conversation and I put the phone down, I was bursting with energy so I went out for a walk. 

My heart was pounding so hard and I let my feet carry me away without thinking of a destination. I didn’t care where I was going, I just thought over and over at the prospect of seeing him again. Most of all I wanted to talk to Chris about it and let him now of what had happened. I wanted his advice; even though I had already made up my mind. I knew I should wait until Christophe finishes practice but I couldn’t, so I took a bus and headed towards the ice rink. 

Going there made me feel homesick, because I end up reminiscing about my home rink in St Petersburg and all the memories I have with Yuuri and the Russian team. I feel separated as though it it has become a distant world and it makes me sad thinking about it that way. As I made my way to the rink, I noticed that the people there were glancing at me curiously. They most likely recognized me and they were wondering why I am here and not training Yuuri for his competition. I pretended I didn’t notice them as I passed by, hoping that none of them would stop and talk to me. It was hard for me to pass incognito when I find it so easy to be at the centre of attention. 

Christophe was on the ice practicing his step sequence and his coach was watching the Swiss skater at a little distance away from him but still inside the ice rink. Josef pressed his finger on the side of his chin as he watched him. I saw Matthieu leaning his elbows over the wall rink and holding his boyfriend’s things. 

“Hello” I greeted him with a wave. 

“Oh hello” he greeted back, clearing his throat. There was always something timid but charming about his mannerisms. 

“Are you waiting for him for lunch?” I asked casually. 

“Well sort of, I had an off day so I came to see him practice” he added with a small embarrassed smile. I could see why Christophe has taken a liking to this man.

“Me too. Actually, I need to steal him for a few minutes during break, if that’s okay with you?” I responded politely. 

“Oh, of course. I must admit I am surprised to see you here, are you on a vacation?” he asked. 

“Indeed I am” I answered, and hoped that he won’t feel the need to expand on that. 

Christophe was pleased when he saw the two of us waiting for him at the exit entry of the ice rink. He swung his hips to give himself that push and glided elegantly over the ice. 

“My my, don’t I have an audience today” he exclaimed, sending a wink our way. He wasn’t expecting either of us. 

“Indeed, can I talk to you for a bit?” I hastily commented with impatient tone. Chris glanced at Matthieu, and he nodded in acknowledgment “I’ll wait” he responded and gave the water bottle and the towel to the Swiss skater. 

The two of us moved towards one of the benches. I tried to work up the words to tell him about the call. I was going to wait until we sat down but I couldn’t wait. 

“I got a call, from Yuuri.” I stated. 

Christophe’s lips parted slightly but then pressed them into a smile. He twisted the cap of his water bottle and took a few gulps. 

“I hope that it’s good news?” he asked tilting his head slightly to the side. 

“It is.” I said quickly “He wants us to meet up and talk.” 

Christophe paused only for a few seconds to process what I’ve just said and then he touched my shoulder in his own affectionate manner. 

“That’s wonderful, dear. What did you tell him?” he asked with eagerness. 

“I agreed, but…” for a moment I paused and tensed “ I don’t know if it is…the right thing…I did…” I added in a low voice, almost a whisper. 

Christophe took a minute to consider my words as he dried the sweat on his temple with his small towel. “Do you think you did the right thing?” He asked in a very straightforward manner. 

I was taken aback by his response, but I reflected on it. “Yes…I think, I did”, surprised that I could answer my own question. 

“Good!” Christophe responded with a knowing smile “When are you leaving?” 

“I told him I’m going to meet up with him in three days, so I booked my flight for tomorrow” I answered. 

“I would have liked for you to stay longer so that I can tour you around a bit more but your meeting with Yuuri is more important now.” 

“We’ll still be seeing each other in the afternoon. I shall leave you now, so you can spend time with your boyfriend.” I added with a wink. 

Christophe chuckled and shook his head in response at my juvenile teasing. 

***  
This was my first time in Zurich and I couldn’t have chosen a worst time to visit, when all I could think about was the meeting I am going to have with Yuuri. Despite that this was supposed to be a gateway, I could hardly call it a vacation because I didn’t really get to enjoy it that much. At eight in the morning I checked in for my flight and by two in the afternoon I was back in St Petersburg. It had only been a few days so nothing had changed since I’ve left and yet the familiar wide streets, the embankment, the murky blue rivers that flow underneath and the pale snow that covered everything, all these things seemed different to me. I couldn’t quite explain the sensation of seeing something that is both familiar and estranged. I had the rest of the day with nothing much to do, so I checked into the hotel and tried to decide what I was going to do to kill time. I hate this state of limbo in which all I could do was wait. 

That morning I got up, had breakfast and took my time to prepare and decide what clothes I was going to pick. It felt as though it was my first date because I always go for the dress to impress strategy for important occasions. In this particular moment I had no real reason why I should worry about how I looked, but I wanted to make the effort nonetheless. I chose a black turtleneck sweater and a pair of jeans, then added a double breasted jacket over my sweater. It was somewhere between formal but casual and I needed to make sure it would keep myself warm enough as well so I added a woolly scarf around my neck. My hair was still fresh and wet from when I took a shower so I dried it and combed it carefully into place. My face was shaved and scented with aftershave. When I was satisfied with my looks, I took my wallet, mobile and key card and headed outside. 

I lifted my arm to check the time on my wrist watch, and panicked when I realized it took me longer than I had planned, so I went on the bus stop and impatiently waited for the next bus to arrive. Some people were giving me curious looks because it seemed odd to be so well dressed on a Wednesday afternoon. Finally, the bus arrived and I took the ride, preferring to stand although there were empty seats. I tried to avoid looking at anyone in the eye for fear of being recognized. Usually I love the attention but at that moment I was in no mood to entertain anyone. When the bus arrived at the destination I wanted, I rang the bell and hurriedly went off the bus. From there I had to walk for a bit until I arrived at a bakery. As I stared at the transparent glass door, I clenched my hand over my chest and took a deep breathe. 

It took me a few moments before I could recollect myself and walk in. I sat down at the first available table without paying much attention and when the waiter came to ask me for order, I simply shook my head and replied that I was waiting for someone. Then I changed my mind and asked the waiter for some water. The waiter was a bit puzzled at first but then he followed the order without a hitch and brought me the water. I twisted the cap and was about to pour the water into the glass, but as soon as I lifted it up, my hand was shaking so much that I quickly put it down on the table. I thought how funny it was that in all my life this was the first time I felt this way. I glanced anxiously at the door and then at my wrist watch. It was unusual for Yuuri to be this late.  
For a moment I just stared emptily at the waiters who were buzzing around the tables and making sure that everyone was being served, until a young Japanese man walked in shivering and brushing off the snow like a wet puppy. He immediately saw me and walked over to the table. 

“Hey…” he said looking at the ground. I noticed the tip of his ears were red, there was a sharp twinge in my chest. 

“Hello Yuuri, sit down I didn’t order anything yet aside for the water” I responded coolly.

He pulled the chair back and plopped on it, resting his elbows over the table and peering around, avoiding looking at me. ‘You don’t need to feel guilty! Stop looking like you are!’ , were the words I wanted to shout to him, but I pressed my fingers in the palm of my hand instead. There were so many things I wanted to tell him but I had no idea where to begin. From the way his shoulder tensed, I could tell that he was in the same predicament. 

“How have you been?” I asked in a soft tone.

I don’t know why my question was such a surprise, because he looked up at me with an astonished expression on his face. 

“Okay…what about you…?” he said, and I knew perfectly that he was lying. I bit my lower lip. 

“I’m not okay.” I said a bit more gruffly than intended “ In fact, I haven’t been okay since I left home.” I added firmly. 

My words seemed to have an effect on him, because his expression suddenly changed. I could see his face softened and his eyes glimmered with emotions. I could tell that he has been through a lot in the past few days and he probably tried very hard to keep himself in check by bottling up his feelings. I know that he does that when he’s in a difficult situation. 

“I am sorry…Viktor…for everything…” he responded with laboured breath. I really wanted to touch him and offer him some comfort but I restrained myself. 

“I am sorry too, Yuuri” I responded and ran my hand through my hair “The thing I had…with my family...is not…a…pleasant...one…I was…ashamed” as I spoke those words I realized how hard they actually were to saying them aloud. In all of my life I’ve never spoken about it directly to another person. There was a long pause as I studied for any reaction on Yuuri’s face. I took a deep breath and continued “I…know, I did wrong in keeping it a secret from you…but I couldn’t…I wasn’t prepared...”

Yuuri hasn’t said anything yet and another silence followed. With impulse I grabbed the bottle of water and filled my glass and then downed it at one go. 

“I was selfish.” he finally said “I was so occupied with my own fears and anxiety that I didn’t understand you…I didn’t understand you at all.” his voice cracked and he covered his forehead with the palm of his hands, his shoulders trembled and tears were glistening down his cheeks. In that very moment the anger I felt towards Yuuri, when he tried to learn more than I wished, ebbed away and instead they were replaced by feelings of empathy. I came to understand that there was part of my fault too in this. 

“I understand that you felt upset. I am your husband after all I should tell you about certain important things about me, but…” I paused for a moment and I started drumming my fingers over the table as I tried to push those difficult words out of my mouth “I’m ashamed…of myself…that’s why I couldn’t tell you. I thought that you would be disgusted at me and that you wouldn’t love me anymore”. I knew it was risky to say those words and lay bare my insecurities that I kept carefully suppressed, but I had to tell him exactly how I felt, I owed him that much. 

Though his reaction wasn’t one I expected. Yuuri looked at me utterly baffled and amazed. He seemed to have come to a realization, one which I had no clue of. 

“You’re serious?” he said in an astonished tone. 

“Of course!” I responded with determination. 

There was another short silence, he seemed to reflect on what he was going to say next, weighing carefully his words before speaking. 

“Viktor…” he said with an unusual assertive manner “I will never love you any less whatever past you may have had. On the contrary I love you more because you may not be able to change the situation in which you were born, but you made a life for yourself. Viktor…You are an amazing person who inspires all those who are around you. You’re a giver and you have a lot to offer because without you I would have never managed to be where I am today. All those, who know you, look up to you both as a skater and as a person. I can say so for myself and even Yura, even though he would never admit it out loud. You earned the title of the Living Legend because; it shows the passion and hard work that you have put into your skating career. Even though you might feel alone, please, remember that you do have a family; Yakov and the Russian team, and also my family is your family too. I admire you even more than ever, now that I know the kind of hardship you lived through all of your life. You could have let it destroy you but you didn’t, as I said before you made a life for yourself, and I am proud of you.” 

I was completely stunned, so much so that I just stared at him stupidly without uttering a word. All the things that Yuuri said to me made sense, and for the first time I could see something that I’ve never seen before. In all of my life I thought that I lived alone and in utter shame of what I am, so I wanted to hide away that ugly part of myself, but then Yuuri was showing me that maybe...maybe...my life may not be as disgusting as I thought. Before I knew it, my sight started blur and hot tears started running down my face. I reached out to hold Yuuri’s hand into mind and my heart ached with burning warmth and love all because of this man, my husband. 

Yuuri’s cheeks reddened and nimbly ran his fingers through mine. Then his eyes lifted and glimmered in a familiar way through his half framed glasses. It was that day when we were standing in front of the church and exchanged the rings in Barcelona.  
So I please, Viktor…let me into your life, that is what his eyes were saying. 

I squeezed his hand and replied for a second time 

Yes. 

***  
_And I'd give up forever to touch you_  
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't wanna go home right now

_And all I can taste is this moment_  
And all I can breathe is your life  
When sooner or later it's over  
I just don't wanna miss you tonight 

_And I don't want the world to see me_  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am 

***  
End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we arrived till the end. Writing this story felt like going through a journey, and I hope that you as the reader felt it too. Thanks again for Inlovewithyaoi for her patience and support, without her I wouldn't have gone this far. The lyrics is from the song [ Iris by Goo goo dolls](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNO6yd66PpA) . I highly recommend for you to check out this song because it's very beautiful and fits the mood for my story.


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